Dark Days

My current contract expires in 1 month. The product we spent 3 months building turned out to be a flop. I learned a ton of new skills, mostly design and frontend development skills, so it hasn’t been a total waste. I also got to spend time in New York, getting everything paid for.

But now I’m a little depressed. Not because I’m “losing my job”, but because I don’t really know what I want to do next.

I considered trading in a car and getting a van and traveling around, living in the van and hiking/climbing. This is a big maybe.

I deleted all my social media and my 4G cellphone plan in favor of having a throwaway phone.

I feel like I’m shedding all this baggage I’ve had in my life. Every month I shed more of it. But I have yet to find something to replace it with.

I feel most at peace when I’m walking/hiking/climbing/traveling. So I suppose I will do that until I figure out next steps. Currently, I’m spending 4-5 hours a day in central park, just walking around and climbing boulders (barefoot.) It soothes the soul.

I’m going to take a break from coding. I think being a coder is one of my biggest roadblocks to uncovering the purpose of my life, because I always feel pressured to join a new project. It’s time to start something different. Do some manual labor. Get some fresh air. Be a ski lift operator.

 

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Minimalism will take me kicking and screaming to the spiritual path

Minimalism is forcing me to be spiritual.

I’ve been in NYC for about two months, living out of Airbnb’s with nothing but my 40 liter bag.

Recently:

  • Learning Wim Hof technique
  • Meditate every morning
  • Go to bed at 10
  • Wake up at 6
  • Walk 15+ miles on the weekend
  • Workout 3 days a week
  • Eat right
  • Working a 9 to 5 job
  • Working a side job
  • Doing more work on the side

Living with no possessions except what I truly need has helped me see through my own psychology. It has improved me. Here’s how:

  • I “felt that I wanted to settle down”. But I realized that nowhere I settle down will satisfy my wanderlust, and that I am a crazy person for even thinking it would.
  • I missed nostalgic activities such as video gaming. But I realized it is just nostalgia. Just nostalgia.
  • I felt tired. So I slept.
  • I felt stressed. So I went for a walk.
  • I gave up.

I have no possessions to fall back into. No escape from reality. I am stuck here.

The only thing I can do when I feel bad is work on my self. My person. My body. My Mind. This is all I have now.

Why do I feel bad? Fix it.

Thoughts of “I want this” and “I want that” come over me. They are fake solutions. I have what I have. My material life is complete. There is nothing to wish for. Not more money. Not more freedom. Only a better mind.

Which is fucking scary.

So it led me to the spiritual path. “How can I diminish my wants, since I know they are boundless and idiotic?”

aaaaand here I am.