AIP Day 14, Calm after the storm

Two weeks of AIP today! I started out my morning with chi gong, 50 mg of caffeine, and some spaghetti squash!

An update on how I feel right now:

  • currently (at this second) my stomach is functioning much better than it was a few days ago, and much better than before.
  • I am able to work again (I can focus on my work with 50mg caffeine.)
  • I am less depressed, more excited about the future.
  • I am worried that I may not be able to keep this diet up outside of the house… sometimes I fret about prep time…
    • But it feels like something I can handle. Something that needs to be made a priority
  • I’m off the sleeping pills.

There has always been a lurking feeling that I am “oh so very tired” on the inside, even when I feel stimulated. I always called it my “energy drain.” It severely affects/affected everything I do, the way I live my life. I don’t live my life with an “abundance” mentality in terms of energy, I am always “conserving” energy as if it were finite.

The goal of this project is to make energy feel free and infinite, so that I can use this energy to build beautiful things and make the world a better place.

I literally can’t make the world a better place being tired and sick all the time.

I feel that a corner has been turned, as slow going as this is.

I still get a bit sleepy in the afternoons/evenings… but I do have faith. This can get better.

And thats why I’m doing chigong.

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Autoimmune Protocol | Day 6 // Wednesday

7 AM. wake up feeling puffy, like when you have too much salt the night before. It’s probably due to taking kratom yesterday due to feeling horrible. Sigh. Continuing with the diet.

8 AM. After my 100 mg pill of caffeine kicks in, a euphoria comes over me and I feel normal/good. My mind thinks towards working – building a project I’ve wanted to build for a long time.

11 AM. Was productive / organized my bedroom / realized I’m kind of being engulfed by malaise and depression, and that I must be incredibly wary. Don’t worry folks, I am confident I will get out of this one. I’ve done it many times before. Usually, the second I start medicating with caffeine, unhealthy food, and other things, the symptoms disappear.

But I’m not doing that this time. I am healing this time, which means I am going through this with an open mind, self love, and high consciousness. Who knows, maybe within a month or two I’ll be back to normal.

Discussed with the parents last night how every time I try to heal my body/mind, I end up giving up after about two weeks and running away. I ran away to colorado, I ran away to New York. I ran away to Arizona. But this time, I’m not running away. I’m going to stay here in this town which I don’t love. I’m not going to cover this one up with new business ideas or applying for jobs. I’m going to get past this.

“no mental state lasts forever”, “this too shall pass”, “bloom where you’re planted”.

5 PM Earlier I was feeling horrible. I went for a bike ride and felt like I was going to pass out. Which has never happened. Being 95 degrees out doesn’t help.

I read online that this might be due to not enough fat. At first glance, I thought, “of course I’m getting enough fat – I’m eating meat. Then I realized, I’m probably not getting enough fat to really use it as fuel, so I ate a bunch of coconut oil and olive oil (lol) on salad and in smoothies and stuff. I ate a absolutely gigantic salad about an hour ago and I suddenly became hyper focused on work and euphoric. Temporarily, there is no depression.

This is scary, but at least I’m glad I documented it. I was feeling horrible and then i literally ate salad and my mood changed.

I’m working through a lot of mental issues right now, lol.

Not just food issues.

“I eat because I am unhappy and I am unhappy because I eat” – fat bastard

9:30 PM I just had a realization so profound that I absolutely had to capture it. The reason I have depressive symptoms – in my life in general – is because I am subconsciously afraid of using my brain.

In my mind, somehow I have been programmed that to “work” (mentally) causes strain. This is most likely due to years of resentment towards being “imprisoned” in a school. I never felt good in school for whatever reason. This is most likely a combination of: poor diet, poor sleep habits, resentment towards being kept from what I love. So my response was to shut down my brain.

My brain was reserved only for those activities which I held dear (after school activities.)

But I think at some point my programming took over and I lost my ability to even enjoy these side hobbies. Suddenly my ability to enjoy everything was diminished.

It turns out that I fell into an engineering career despite myself, because during college I was given much more freedom. That freedom of when/how much/what I will study, combined with results-oriented culture (exams, projects) was great for me.

Yet there is this feeling deep down that all effort is bad. Perhaps this comes from incorrectly interpreting zen and taoist teachings as championing laziness.

I once mentioned this particular neurosis to a zen meditation teacher who I respected and admired. I told him that I am always attempting to “conserve” my energy.

He told me that there is infinite energy. You just have to tap into it.

This whole lifestyle of taking drugs, drinking alcohol and coffee, eating poor foods, and taking shortcuts – it is all on the assumption that there is not enough energy to go around. It is a “fighting for survival” type of existence.

My hope is that through this cleansing process I will eliminate this mental neurosis, and uncover further ones. To make clear, permanent progress towards developing a more sound body and mind. To transform my innermost psyche into one more willing to actually live life.

 

AutoImmune Protocol | Day 4 // Monday

Wake up today, 7 AM, not feeling stressed. This is new. I attribute it to going to bed extra early (10 PM) and not taking as much sleeping pills as normal (2 valerian root pills rather than 5, no melatonin, no theanine).

It’s taking me a long time to get off the “drugs” that had become routine in my life. Caffeine, alcohol, weird semi-legal RX stuff, potent herbs… all things I used to control my neurochemistry, along with a pretty unhealthy diet. I knew I was heading down the path to destruction but I felt helpless to stop myself. The world just seemed too strong.

I have temporarily stepped out of this “world” and I may never go back. The biggest breakthrough for me was getting past my conditioning to “go out” on the weekends. At some point in New York, I just got so sick of going out. I just stopped. And I stopped feeling bad about it. I spent most of my time doing things I wanted to do and practicing self care.

Well, that’s what I’m doing now. Although I am a nonconformist in nature, it’s hard to be perceived as an outsider. But I know the payoff is worth it. I absolutely positively have to get healthy – not just again – but healthier than I’ve ever been. This is a problem that can be solved and it’s my destiny to solve it.

So I am blooming where I am planted.

7 AM – 100 mg caffeine, sit outside, meditate, do yoga, eat some fruit. Relax and enjoy

9 AM – had a smoothie and breakfast yet still feeling tired. Could it be that I didn’t exercise today? No, I think this is true tiredness. I can either take more caffeine or have a nap. I figure I will take more caffeine so as not to deprive myself. I will also have a nap.

Deprivation is not the goal. I am heading in the right direction, and I’m on less than 1/2 the caffeine I was a week ago, so I need to make sure I don’t wean too fast.

That afternoon, I did a bunch of napping and generally felt bad. I didn’t get anything done and I felt really down on myself. It’s now 6 PM and I almost got myself to go to the gym but instead drove around aimlessly for 2 hours. It seems like every time I remove too much caffeine I run the risk of getting a really low mood. I hope this gets easier over time.

But more than pure biochemistry, this depression is something that must be looked deeper into.

It stems from the fact that my life is an impossible equation to solve.

  • I don’t like staying in one place. It’s too boring.
  • Traveling doesn’t work for me either. It’s too isolating.
  • No place to live has perfect weather. The more perfect the weather, the more expensive it is. I’m worried about global warming and feel pressured to buy a house in a global-warming-proof area in the pac NW. Seattle or Portland or Vancouver?
  • My career as a programmer is all I know and part of me truly enjoys it.
  • I’ve been destroying myself through this career and therefore I resent it.
  • I don’t know what else to do with my time.
  • I’ve estranged myself from most of my old friends, who are scattered across the country.
  • All I want to do is hike, climb, surf, snowboard, and bum around
  • All I want to do is work odd jobs. Coffee shop type stuff.
  • But I don’t feel like I can do that, and I’m scared. Scared to do anything new.
  • Other people stress me out. The idea of getting a part time job stresses me out more than being a programmer.
  • On top of this, I feel pressured to be financially successful, which leads me back to the programming / startup world. Leads me away from the odd job.
  • I’m pretty sure I have chronic fatigue and depression that need to get looked at.
  • I don’t want to run away from life by traveling but I don’t know what to do with myself when I stay put.
  • I have sooooo much free time but I don’t know anyone else with this much free time, so I spend a lot of time alone.

These are the thoughts that spiral through my depressed mind.

To be honest, I have some deep soul searching to do.

I know they are just thoughts, but they represent real problems I’m going through. If I had to prioritize things to solve from the above list it would be:

  1. Health – physical, mental, spiritual – FOCUS ON IT
  2. Transcend Isolation – get out of the house, meet new people, blah blah blah
  3. Traveling and doing fun stuff – this is the spice of life.
  4. Investing, career, money – this should be my last priority right now but I often make it my first.

From the above list it is pretty clear that by sitting in my house following the AIP diet for 30 days, whether I like it or not, I am getting myself on the right track. I also need to go to AA and keep meditating. Perhaps joining a yoga class is a good first step to transcending isolation while also working on my health. I could definitely get a membership to the climbing gym as well.

In terms of traveling, I could very well plan a short weekend trip to the east coast next weekend to go surfing and stay in an airbnb. Heck, I could do that every weekend. I really love surfing

^ From the above two paragraphs I’m feeling a lot better, those are the things I need to do. Meanwhile, in terms of investing/career/money, I just need to put it on cruise control and backburner that stuff. It’s really not as important right now. I don’t need to “figure out the rest of my life” right now, but really REALLY dial down the present moment.

That will give me the foundation I need to either get back into the programming game with a clear head and health, or to find a new game.

So to make a checklist:

  • AIP diet – 30 days
  • Go to AA (find a group)
  • Meditate every day (find a group)
  • Join a yoga class couple times a week (find a group)
  • Climb a couple times a week (find a group)
  • Cycle couple times a week
  • Surf trips on the weekends

Why do you think I post this on the internet rather than in my journal? To transcend isolation.

On another note, I am having stomach issues today. Not sure if it’s due to the change in diet.