I suppose I shouldn’t expect too much of a change within 9 days. I mean, most people say it takes 30-90. With 30 being the early side.
I am still tired when I wake up. My caffeine dose is being lowered today to 75 mg in the morning and 25 mg in the afternoon, down 50 mg from this past week. I will probably try to keep it below 100mg for the next week, and then get down to 50 mg the week after that.
I dont want to give up caffeine. I am extremely mentally attached to caffeine. I feel like I can’t work without caffeine. This is entirely not true, but it’s how I’m programmed to feel. I am taking my time with lowering my caffeine intake because, even at this rate (going from 300 mg a day to 200 to 150 now to 100 over the span of 3 weeks), I am feeling the effects I believe. In general I don’t feel as stimulated as I usually was. I keep telling myself that this stimulation was completely artificial and not indicative of good health.
I do hope I get back to that point where my brain is pumping with happy chemicals, the way a tall starbucks coffee makes me.
During my morning meditation, rather than saying “thought”, when I hear a thought, I’ve started saying “programming.” As in, my brain has been programmed to think that. For some reason, when I liken my thoughts directly to “brain programming”, it makes it a lot easier to forgive myself for having those thoughts. A common mistake with meditation is to actively slap yourself on the wrists for thinking. But the truth is that thinking is okay, it’s just programming, and we’re just becoming aware of that programming.
I’ve not been a regular meditator ever in my life, but I am finding that regular meditation is fun and causes me to randomly become conscious at more points throughout the day. Particularly when I get a moment of quiet time. During those moments, I often play the “wait for a thought” game, and it’s pretty fun.
Around noon, I got very sleepy. I had gone for a bike ride, had a bunch of fats & bone broth this morning, but still was very sleepy. It could be that I took a little bit of CBD. Either way, I ended up laying in bed feeling “defeated”, thinking “oh god i have chronic fatigue syndrome dont I”, and “i’ll never work again” and “maybe i have crippling depression and thats why I can’t function like a normal human at noon.”
So while I was thinking those self defeating thoughts and pretending to sleep, I started doing breathing exercises for no reason. I took some deep breaths and started to feel better. Still tired, mind you, but I started to feel the tingle of energy flowing through my body that is the opposite of tiredness/depression. As the chinese would say, I felt “chi” flowing through my body. I’ve always loved this feeling, and have noticed it often when doing acupuncture.
After about 10-20 minutes of relaxation/chi/breathing exercises, I got up and felt better. But not 100% better. I will admit I took another 25 mg of caffeine (bringing my total today up to 125mg), which could explain why I feel better. But I also ate a big salad.
Together the combination of a big salad, some caffeine, and relaxation exercises brought me back from the brink of sleepiness. I am not sure what this means. Perhaps I needed a bit of fresh vegetables to turn on my brain. Perhaps it was the normal circadian rhythm of early afternoon sleepiness. Perhaps it was from lowering my caffeine intake. Perhaps it was because I was stressed subconsciously, which then causes a subconscious “sleepiness” reaction.
All I know is I’ve had “sleepiness” since I was a young kid. The second I figured out how to self medicate, I began to self medicate my sleepiness as much as possible. I remember being sleepy at recess because my lunch didn’t agree with me. Combine that with the fact that I had epilepsy growing up and something spells “food intolerances since day 1.”
So I truly believe my entire life has been one big food intolerance based shit show. On the outside, I look reasonably healthy. I am fit, muscular even, but I have achy joints and I get sleepy a lot. I get mood swings. My stomach doesn’t work like it should.
It would be a dream come true if I could overcome these things. I am glad I’m going down this path, but I will confess that deep down I have my doubts that I can ever “feel better” than I’ve always felt. Depression and sleepiness has honestly been the norm for my entire life. Boo hoo.
What if there were another way? That would be worth any amount of sacrifice. That would be worth taking a couple months off from my work just to focus on it. That would be worth taking years off.
If I could have boundless energy.
“There is unlimited energy” – some guru guy I once knew.